Screaming Infidelities
by Krismehzak
Summary: This definitely started as a one-shot...now you can see both sides of the story. My take on Dashboard confessionals song screaming Infidelities and then some more angst to follow...my apologies ahead of time.
1. Screaming infidelities

Screaming Infidelities.

3:30 a.m. She lay in bed. Wide awake and cold.

This was her fault. That's what she tells herself every night she comes home to the emptiness. She rolls over and reaches under the pillow beside her to pull out a battered looking envelope. Using the light of the barely there moon, she reads the paper stuffed inside for what must have been the thousandth time. One hand clutching the letter, while the other brings a bottle of something harsh to her lips. She sucks in sharp, choppy breaths, fighting the urge to cry. Drowning the choking sounds with more dark liquor, she slowly drifts to sleep.

 _"When are you coming home? I...I need you."_

Her desperation makes herself sick to her stomach, and she starts to hate herself for dialing the only number she knew by heart. Here she was sitting on her living room floor, mindlessly playing with a crimson strand of hair she found while looking for the remote. This was never supposed to happen. So many emotions were swirling around inside her chest, and she acted completely on impulse.

 _"I can't. You know this. You know this is the right thing to do...I have to go."_

Her phone became a grenade and pieces flew everywhere when it hit the wall. She read the letter again, and chased it with a drink. The remote lay forgotten underneath the couch.

Friday night Jesse takes her out to a party to see some old friends from college. He says she needs to get laid. So, she shrugs and says sure as she grabs her favorite jacket from her closet. And maybe it still smells like the one thing she misses. And maybe she finds two beautiful red hairs clinging to the collar. It breaks her already broken heart, and she smiles.

The party is more laid back than most of the college parties she remembers from the past, but she sees a lot of people she was once close with. It's like it never changed. She's reminded of her from every story that's being reminisced, so she keeps filling up her plastic cup. She doesn't dare join in, and can't even bare to say her name.

When someone points out the two new people at the party, that's when she needs to leave. Although, she steals a few glances, because she has to know if she's really happy. She has to know that this other person is right for her. She sees her smiling, and all she can wonder is if it's all real. Is she really this much happier without her?

When bright blues meet her dull, somber eyes, she turns and leaves the party for good.

She knew it was her fault. Work had devoured her, and she let it. She let it take her away from the rest of the world, because it was her dream. Every day she put every ounce of energy into her music and the artists she worked with. She worked overtime to accomplish perfection and meet crucial deadlines. This was everything she had ever hoped and dreamed of coming true. What she didn't dream of was falling deeply in love at the same time.

She never practiced for that part. The music, yes. Every day throughout high school and college was preparation for this. She had no prior experience for love. There was no need. No time. Until this beautiful woman slipped through the cracks. With no practice though, she was unable to balance the two. She failed the first and only person she ever loved, and she was never getting them back.

The day she came home to the crisp envelope sitting on the kitchen table was also the day her music career crumbled at her feet. No matter how many times she read the note, she never understood a single word.

The ending was all that stuck.

 _"I will love you always and forever."_

She doesn't know why she agreed to it, but she needed to get out of their house.

Her house.

Her extremely lonely, dark house full of memories that hung heavy in the air like a humid August night in Georgia. She had been laying in bed with a record playing a song that was supposed to be mellow and happy. Yet tears stained her cheeks, and soaked her pillow as the words reminded her of a time where red hair cascaded over her face instead. Where soft laughter filled the room, and soft kisses danced upon her face. She closed her eyes and tried to remember her laugh. A better song. Her favorite.

Her phone rings.

" _Aubrey?"_

 _"Mitchell, you and I are going out tonight. You need this."_

There's silence on both ends for a moment.

 _"I won't take no for an answer. Get up, get dressed, and I will be there in fifteen minutes."_

The line goes dead.

She doesn't know why she agreed to it, but here she is with her ex's best friend. She knows she looks like shit. Her eyes have dark circles surrounding them that makeup could never cover. The blue of her iris has permanently changed to grey, and the whites now remain red. Her hands shake as she brings her drink to her lips. This doesn't go unnoticed by Bree, who watches her warily.

The conversation is forced to say the least. Bree suggests shots to help lighten the mood just as a band takes the stage next to the bar.

 _"It wasn't your fault, you know?"_

She looks at her and quirks an eyebrow up.

" _Well, not completely at least."_

She gives a half smirk, and Bree continues.

 _"Didn't you notice? She wasn't exactly hiding it. She wanted you to see it, but you didn't Mitchell. You fucking didn't notice when it was right in front of your face! She wanted your attention, and you didn't do anything about it. Now it's too late. Now you're broken, and now she's moved on. You need to do the same."_

 _"What are you saying?"_

Bree sighs. She laughs, and then looks at her. Searching those bloodshot eyes for something. Anything.

Confusion. Hurt. Pain. Curiosity.

It was all there.

" _She was cheating on you. She had been for a while."_

Two more shots were placed in front of them. Her body is working on autopilot as she takes the shot glass and tosses the fire down her throat in one swift motion. She watches Bree do the same as the world moves around them, unaware of her heartache.

She's back to her bed with a song stuck in her head that the band at the bar had been playing. She hummed it softly as she thought about what it meant to her.

Why hadn't she seen the signs? Remembering back, it all starts to make sense. Coming home often to an empty house after a long night at the studio. She never questioned it, always assuming she was out with friends. She knew she was lonely, she had told her on numerous occasions.

She remembers her coming home one night in particular. Her hair was a mess, and she wore a shirt she didn't recognize. It smelled like cigarettes. She knew the redhead didn't smoke. She was drunk though, so she must have been at the club with Bree.

She never asked. She never worried.

The humming slowly progressed into singing as the sadness formed into anger.

 _"Well, as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder how you're making out."_

She really did love her, and all that she ever wanted was for her to be happy. She wondered if she still thought about her. If certain songs made her think of campfires and empty pools. If the color of a clear summer sky touching the ocean makes her think of their first lingering glance. Their first time making love. If the smell of her shampoo makes her think about being titanium and the first time she fell in love.

" _But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere_

 _With anyone_

 _Making out."_

She sat up and flipped her pillow over, relishing in the coolness pressed against her cheek. When she opens her eyes she spots another long red strand, and she laughs.

" _Your hair, it's everywhere. Screaming Infidelities. And taking its wear."_

It was two o'clock in the morning, and she was drunk. She was drunk and singing. She was laughing to the point of tears over how appropriate the song was. She realized how badly she needed to do laundry and vacuum under the couch. So she did.

With her headphones snug over her ears she began working. Getting rid of every strand of evidence. Every scent. Every coffee stain. She threw away the spare toothbrush she had kept in hopes of the redheads return. She burned the little notes she had kept and tortured herself with. She even burned **the note.** Every little disposal bringing her closer to sobriety.

And everything was going to be ok safely beneath her headphones.

She couldn't hear her phone go off,

or hear the message that was left by a broken voice that sounded a million miles away.

 _"I need you...I meant what I said. That I will love you always and forever. I want to come home Beca."_

But she wouldn't hear it until the next day. Because she is laughing and getting back to where she belongs.

It's 3:30 a.m. and she lays in her warm bed with a smile on her face.

Her eyes are heavy, and she finally gets some sleep.

Humming a song.

 _Screaming Infidelities._


	2. For you to notice

_I need you to know how sorry I am. That this is happening. But you need to understand that this had to be done. I can't continue lying to you while you think that everything is perfect. I can't keep lying to myself. Living a double life. Constantly pretending to be happy. I've just... I've cried so much. Just waiting for you. Wanting you. Needing you. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. And I'm sure you know nothing about what's going on in my life at the moment. All the stress and pain I've been going through. All alone. You never even bothered asking. You never showed the affection I desired. If you did, maybe I wouldn't be writing this. Maybe I would be safe and sound, asleep in our bed. Waiting for you to finally come home. Waiting for a kiss goodnight. A craving I no longer feel, because this is my goodbye._

 _You have to understand that this was not easy for me. In fact, it's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I hope you realize that what we had was more beautiful than any song you will ever produce. More alive than any beat blasting at your club. I hope you realize what you had. I hope you know... that I've never loved another person the way I love you. I probably never will, but I have found someone who is at least showing me what it feels like again. Someone who wants me, and maybe one day they will love me as much as I love you. Because, I do. I still love you. I just don't need you like I used to._

 _I wish things could be different, but you just didn't see what we had become. You didn't notice when my smile would falter and fade. When I could no longer look you in the eyes. When our words became nothing more than 'good morning' and 'goodbye'. The feelings vanished. No more butterflies. No more passionate urges. Just the overbearing loneliness. Trapped in this house. No longer a home._

 _I hope you find happiness. I hope you find someone. I hope you learn to love them the way I always wanted you to love me. Indefinitely and with all of your heart._

 _I will miss us, almost as much as I'll miss you. Goodbye Beca._

 _I will love you always and forever,_

 _-C_

The pen hovered over the final marking as she stood deep in her thoughts. Reality settled around her. Its hand gripping her throat making it hard to breathe. She managed to set the pen down though, and gave her work a once over before neatly folding it and tucking it away inside an envelope. The clock on the wall ticked away, keeping her steady. Her left hand gently touched the spot between her collarbones where a silver heart charm hung from a chain. The one beneath her surface stuttered and forced a sad sigh past her lips. Squeezing her eyes shut, she reached behind her neck to unclasp the latch. It was the first anniversary gift she had received from Beca, and this was the first time she had ever taken it off. The weight that lifted was so overwhelming she had to grip onto the edge of the table to keep from falling. Grabbing the envelope, trying to finish the task at hand, she let the necklace settle at the bottom like an anchor. The last item to join the party was the house key she begin to fish out of her pants pocket. She thought back on the day she first held it.

 _"I'd really like it if I could come home to you everyday. That way I can kiss you more. Maybe even watch you while you sleep, or is that too creepy?"_

Chloe didn't even bother to answer. She just jumped into the brunette's arms, wrapped her legs around her waist, and kissed her until she lost count. It was something she had waited patiently for, not wanting to push her luck with her girlfriend.

Before she could backpedal, she proceeded to lick the seal and press it closed. It's not like she couldn't just rip it open and destroy the evidence. Burn it. Forget it ever happened. For Chloe, properly sealing it made it seem more offially. It helped her keep moving. Like mind over matter. The heaviness of the envelope reminded her of how real this all was. That this really did need to happen to protect her heart. To protect both of their hearts. A final kiss was pressed to the back of the envelope before she set it down on the table. The kiss was more for Chloe than it was for Beca. It left no mark, but it made her feel somewhat at peace. It was her own personal seal.

This was it. Her bags sat waiting for her by the front door, reminding her that she was indeed leaving. She took one final look around the house before slinging the bags onto her shoulders. They had been packed since the day before, and she hadn't even bothered hiding them from Beca. In fact, last night they sat right next to the bed in plain view. On Beca's side. Chloe had waited soundlessly beneath the blankets as the brunette entered the room. She felt the weight shift on the bed and listened for any signs of confusion. The only sounds she heard though, were shoes hitting the floor as they were removed and the shuffling of her settling in beside her. It took her a few minutes to get situated until she finally turned to her side, facing away from the redhead. Chloe wanted to scream. She wanted to rip the covers from their bodies. She wanted to shake the woman she loved by the shoulders, and tell her all the things she had been dying to say. To tell her how she felt and have her see it in her eyes. She wanted Beca to feel what she was feeling. If only she could reach into her chest and take back what was hers. Maybe leave her feeling desolate and undesirable for once.

She didn't follow through. She was spineless and she loved her too much despite everything. She could not bear to see the midnight in her eyes tremble just to cast the fire from her own. It was the final sign and she knew that was her last night. There was no need for her to return. There was no room for her in their queen size bed. There was no room in Beca's little world.

As the front door clicked shut behind her, she began the next leg of her journey. The breeze was warm and comforting as it coaxed her down the walkway. It was nearly summertime, and lightning bugs were making their first appearance. She was going to miss their little cottage with the swing on the front porch. So many beautiful memories gone to waste. She remembers how Beca used to sit with her on the swing and sing her made up songs while they watched the sun set. Or, her favorite, Beca's first time seeing the lightning bugs and how they spent hours chasing them in hopes to catch one. The way her face lit up in wonder and awe. Chloe reminisced while she could, because she knew she needed to dump them and carry on. Those moments were from the beginning when she was sure she knew what love was. _So, she thought._

The engine started with a grumble, and she began looking for a song to listen to. Something that didn't remind her of Beca. Which was impossible, because Beca was music personified. It angered Chloe. She loved music. She needed it. There was no way she was going to give up two loves in one day. So, she settled on hitting shuffle and getting as far away as possible. The dust kicked up, and she rolled down her window as reached into the center console. The smell of honeysuckles made its way inside, flowing through her hair and over her skin when she finally found what she was looking for. She pulled out a crumpled pack of cigarettes and a lighter. With a couple taps on the steering wheel, she placed one between her lips, sparked the end, and exhaled what she called relief. It was a terrible, disgusting habit she had picked up a few months prior. The many nights she spent at the bar were part of the influence, and a certain brunette. Not the one she left behind. She had seen her for a while before finally finding the courage and approaching her. Asking for a cigarette. Something she had never smoked, or wanted to smoke, in her entire life. The woman happily obliged, and even lit it for Chloe. She didn't even laugh when a cough followed. Just simply smiled and asked for a name. Chloe didn't even care that the smoke would ruin her singing voice. The passion to sing had died out and all she wanted to do was feel something inside. So, she shared a smoke with someone who seemed genuinely interested in her, and she eventually shared so much more.

The first few days in the new apartment she felt restless. She wanted to prove that she was happy with her choice, and that this was where she wanted to be. Experiencing a new life. A new relationship. Sure, the two brunettes shared a lot of characteristics, but where Beca was distant this woman was affectionate. She had a similar edge about her. Similar punk inspired wardrobe. It was no wonder Chloe felt attracted to her. When Chloe arrived, she gave her space, but she also let Chloe know she would be there when she was ready. She was understanding and compassionate. When Chloe's phone would ring and ring all night long, she would wrap her in her arms and kiss her forehead. The one night that Chloe finally answered, she held her hand to give her support. The redhead made it quick, saying exactly what she had rehearsed inside her mind. Making sure to hang up before she heard a response. A sob. A single breath. Chloe was thankful to have a hand to hold. To have someone whisper in her ear that everything was going to be alright, because she needed that reassurance.

Eventually, the sadness subsided, and she began to breathe again. They molded together. They kept each other happy, and Chloe finally felt like she fit. It had been a while since she had even thought about Beca. The phone calls had stopped after that one time she had answered. At first, she had been worried. Thoughts of Beca hurting herself devoured her, and she tossed and turned all night. She bumped into Jesse one day out in town, and the brunette's name nonchalantly came up. This comforted her. Knowing that she was still alive. Maybe she was hurting, but she was still alive. Chloe had faith that Beca could find that love she had mentioned in her letter. Jesse seemed hopeful too. He mentioned how he was taking care of her, and Chloe knew everything would be ok.

What she didn't expect was to see the brunette again so soon. When they walked into the party they had been invited to, she wasn't expecting to see those sad eyes. Those eyes that showed the damage that she had caused. In just that brief moment, she felt every emotion Beca was feeling. She was actually presenting her true feelings for once, not just her rough exterior on display. Some façade to protect her. These were honest and they broke Chloe's heart all over again. She wore the redhead's favorite jacket, tight jeans that revealed how she had been starving herself, and a loose fitting band t-shirt that was ripped in all the right places. The attraction was clearly still there. Who was she kidding? The attraction had never left.

She blinked and Beca vanished into thin air. Her heart ached. It was like a drug addict relapsing. She spent the rest of the evening wearing a fake smile, making her rounds through the house. Secretly searching for the one person she promised to stay away from. Jesse even stopped her and asked if she'd seen her. The redhead lied and claimed she didn't even know Beca was there. He frowned and began dialing her favorite number. Wait. No. This was never supposed to happen. They left shortly afterwards, Chloe claiming to be tired and that she can't party like she used to. She added a cute eyeroll and smile. Everyone laughed. Nobody knew of her current internal battle. How the DJ still had a hold on her.

When Beca and her had started to live together, they were unstoppable. Their love was so strong, it made most people sick. Especially Aubrey. It was Chloe's fantasy, and it had come true. The years she spent slowly, and torturously falling in love with the brunette were finally coming full circle. They spent every moment together showing each other how in love they truly were. Almost like a competition that resulted in a sweet outcome no matter what.

Her lunch dates with Bree almost always had the conversation surround Beca. Bree would gag when Chloe would giggle and mention how she'd definitely be pregnant at this point. The subject would then change. Bree's cheeks would be red with embarrassment. Chloe's would be red from the excitement of being able to go home and prove her point. It felt like she couldn't get enough, and she never wanted the high to stop. Bree said it was the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Chloe claimed she was wrong.

Maybe she was right.

Beca's position at the studio was changing and heading in the right direction. It started off with a few late days here and there. Then it progressed to working weekends on top of the late week days. Chloe began seeing less and less of her girlfriend. She would sometimes sneak off and have a facetime date with her whenever she found a break in her busy day. It would be written all over her face how much she missed Chloe, and she let her know it was killing her. Chloe understood though. She was her biggest fan. Her own job was starting to look up as well. To the point that she had the job offer she had always dreamt of. A job offer that she turned down, because it would cause her to leave Beca behind in Georgia. So, she stayed at her mediocre position for the sake of Beca's success, because that's what you do right? This decision became one of her biggest regrets. The time she spent at work was not enough to distract her of the constant loneliness she endured. The texts and phone calls became things of the past. Even Aubrey became too busy to hang out with her. That's when she began visiting the bar down the street from her work. That's when she met her.

After their first encounter, they began seeing each other almost every night at the same table in the back corner of the bar. The bar would eventually turn into the club, and she would let the alcohol tell her this was ok. Beca wouldn't find out. She didn't have to know about the dancing, with their slick bodies pressed close. She didn't have to know about the kissing, or what the kissing would lead to. It became routine, and the fact that she was doing this in secret made it exhilarating. The fact that she felt needed just by the sound of her pleading whimpers, her fingers playing a familiar tune. Beca wouldn't even flinch when she'd stumble through the front door, reeking of tequila and sex. Beca wouldn't say a fucking word when she'd crawl into bed still smelling like another woman. She dared her to question her. Wearing someone else's clothes. Lipstick smeared. Bite marks on her neck. Still, she received nothing from Beca.

 _"I don't know if I can do this with you anymore."_

Chloe knew what they were doing was wrong, but she never expected the other woman to want to back out.

 _"I thought we were having fun?"_ Chloe asked, knowing what must be done.

 _"No, yeah we are. I am. I just feel… bad. I know I've never met her, but I want more out of this. If you're unhappy with her, you should leave her. You should leave her and be with me. I hope that's not being too forward… I just really like you. And you staying with her isn't fair to any of us. Plus, I kind of want you all to myself."_

Her smirk that followed pulled at Chloe's heartstrings. Not quite as hard as Beca's sexy smirk. A decent little tug occurred, and she brought Chloe's hand to her mouth to press a small kiss. That's when the thought of leaving first entered her head. Even with all the sneaking around, and fooling around, she had never thought about actually leaving Beca. The only thing she ever wanted was for her to look her in the eye and show the love they once shared. She wanted her to prove that she was sorry, and that nothing was more important than Chloe. Maybe then she could even tell her about the job offer she turned down for her. Maybe she'd be able to tell her about the harassment she suffered from men at work. Maybe she'd tell her about her new addictions, and the fact that she wasn't eating. She wasn't sleeping. She wasn't happy, but she had never thought about leaving her.

Here she was, days after the party, back to suffering over the girl with ocean eyes and chest constricting charm. So, she called her best friend. It had been weeks since they had talked. Bree knew about their breakup, but she didn't know the full story. She suggested they meet somewhere for coffee and catch up.

 _"You're telling me you slept with this new girl while you were still with Beca?"_ Bree actually seemed angry with Chloe, her voice rose even though they sat across from each other at the diner down the street.

 _"Um… yes. More than once. It started off innocent, but I was just so lonely Bree…"_

Chloe sheepishly looked down, thoroughly inspecting her cup of coffee. Bree was almost always on her side, especially when it came to the brunette. When she looked up, she saw the confusion in her eyes.

 _"That's not you Chlo… I can't believe you hurt the one person you claimed you could never live without. I just… have you talked to her? Have you seen her? I mean… you've got to be at least a little curious of how she's handling things. Beca's a very destructive person. I understand you were lonely, trust me I get it. Did you try talking to her beforehand?"_

Talk to her? She needed to see her in order to talk to her, and the only time she did it was a mumbled goodnight as her face hit her pillow. She frowned and her eyebrows knit out of frustration.

 _"I barely saw her Bree! And… I did see her recently. Only for a second though. She looked exhausted, I think I scared her off. Jesse was with her. He's looking after her, but he seemed worried. I don't know. I tried, you know? I wanted her to ask me what I was doing every night. I wanted her to kiss me and ask why I tasted like someone else. I wanted her, and now I don't have her at all. It's over, but I still can't stop thinking about her…"_

Bree looked at her and shook her head. She clenched her jaw before saying one final sentence.

 _"Stay away from her."_

With that she put down some money, and left Chloe sitting alone staring at her coffee.

That night she had the house to herself. She spent it drinking wine and looking through old pictures on her laptop. Those memories she forgot to erase. Pictures of the Bella's, all smiling faces and laughter. Pictures of Beca sticking her tongue out at the camera. Pictures of her looking bashful after a compliment Chloe couldn't resist telling her. Pictures of Beca pulling Chloe in close, her eyes set on full lips. Those memories that still flashed in her mind. The second bottle of wine led to computer laying forgotten on the floor as she searched for her phone. The numbers were a memory her fingers knew all too well, and they sloppily tapped them out.

They pushed talk.

The voicemail spoke to her, and she felt insecure all of a sudden. Her free hand absentmindedly touched between her collarbones, reaching for something that was no longer there. This was it. This was how she was going to make it all better, and fix what she had broken. Because Bree was right. She can't live without Beca. Everything reminds her of their love. Every song. Every movie. Her favorite restaurants. The way the sun sets on the city skyline reminds her of her smile. The way rain gathers in the streets reminds her of their first kiss as they stood soaking wet and laughing. The smell of the flowers she received last week reminds her of hidden tattoos and soft pale skin. And every star in the sky reminds her of every wish she made to be with her forever.

The voicemail beeps, advising her to leave a message, and she takes a deep breath and nearly whispers into the phone,

 _"I need you…"_ She takes a deep breath and another swig from the bottle. _"I meant what I said."_ Tears began to pool up at the corners of her eyes, threatening to escape. _"That I will love you, always and forever. I want to come home Beca."_

Because it was true, that she loved her. She was willing to do everything it took to win back her girl. The same way she fought for her love back in college. She hit the end button and brought the bottle of wine to her lips. Tears rushed down her wine flushed cheeks and dripped off her chin. Her left hand still clutched the middle of her chest seeking comfort.

Everything was going to be ok.

She let that be her mantra as she hummed herself to sleep.

 _"Nothing to lose… fire away, fire away…"_


	3. Himerus and Eros

The first time she had thought about kissing her was an easy memory. Everything was easy back then. The lights were off in the living room of the Bella household as they all sat watching a movie. Beca hadn't really been paying attention until suddenly a romantic scene appeared on the screen. It was as if the rest of the sound left the room as she heard a breath hitch. She looked to her right and her heartrate picked up at what she saw. The soft glow of the television cast over Chloe's face. Her eyes were shining more than she had ever seen in the few years she had known the woman. They shimmered in a way that looked like she was about to cry, but a small hint of a smile played upon her lips. Her lips. Beca had never realized how nice Chloe's lips looked. Slightly parted. She wondered what they felt like. She wondered what they could do. The redhead's chest was rising and falling rapidly as her breathing picked up its pace. Beca was so entranced. She wondered what was going on inside Chloe's head causing her to react like this. A small moan from the tv brought Beca's attention back to the movie. The romantic scene had turned into a more heated encounter and a realization suddenly clicked inside her head. This was doing something to Chloe. Beca's cheeks burned at the thought of Chloe being turned on. Being turned on and sitting that close to her. She bit her lip trying to control the feeling that was beginning to overcome her as she chanced another glance at the redhead. The timing was perfect as Chloe bit down on her own lip, closing eyes and squirming slightly in her spot on the couch. Beca had never looked at her friend this way before, and she knew it was wrong. So, so wrong. How had she never noticed the soft curves of her lips? Or the way her pulse point on her neck twitched when she was excited? Or aroused. Because if Beca had known, she would have looked at her a long time ago. She never wanted to not look at her now. Before she could look away, Chloe's eyes opened and locked onto Beca's automatically. It was Beca's turn to have her breath catch in her throat. Chloe was simply breathtaking, and she held Beca's gaze as if she knew. She knew that Beca knew. It felt like the heat in the room had been turned up and both women showed it in the red of their cheeks. Chloe smiled a knowing smile, and bit her lip again in a guilty way as if to say 'Can you blame me?'. It was as if she enjoyed the fact that Beca caught her. When Chloe's fingers laced with her own, she melted into the cushions and decided to stay there until everyone went to bed.

The first time she kissed her was a memory that was tattooed on her mind and coursed through her veins. It was intoxicating and painful, and it had been long overdue. She had been pining over Chloe for a year before she ever made that leap of faith. Her day at work had been a shit show and all she had wanted to do was cry herself to sleep. Maybe even have someone comfort her as she wallowed in self-pity. Jesse and her had called it quits a few weeks prior, so she didn't even have that option. That was one thing she had enjoyed about the relationship they shared, having someone to hold her when it all became too much to handle. He had been a great shoulder to cry on, and he was pretty good at making her laugh afterwards, but the spark was long gone. In fact, she doesn't know if it had ever existed. The feelings she had developed for her best friend definitely didn't help either. When she entered the house, she called out to see if anyone was home, but all she got was silence. She went by Chloe's bedroom door and paused as she listened for sounds of movement on the other side. Still, nothing. Her heart sank as she felt even more alone than before. She knows Chloe was probably out on her afternoon run. Which was totally unnecessary due to the fact that she already had a morning jog, and the fact that her body was flawless. She remembers grabbing a set of earbuds and heading out the front door in hopes that a walk would help settle her emotions. Exercise was not her thing, but it would have to do given the circumstances. Plus, she really didn't want to break anything at the house due to her raging emotions. It didn't take long for her to set a steady pace, and before she knew it she had ended up at the local park. She had never ventured this far out on foot, because, why would she? Indoors was where she belonged. Her pale skin was too susceptible to burning, and the last time she had suffered from a sunburn she stayed inside for the rest of her summer with the lights off, just in case. She remembers how quickly the dark clouds rolled across the sky and the panic that settled in her chest. She despised rain almost as much as the sun. Raindrops hit her face before she could even start heading back towards the Bella's house. This day, she had decided, was officially one of the worst days she had ever experienced. Her feet couldn't move fast enough as the rain began falling heavier. Her t-shirt was sticking to her skin and goosebumps popped up on her arms. Before she knew it, tears began mixing with the rain on her face.

"This was such a stupid fucking idea!", she thought out loud. She was only a few blocks from the house when she saw a figure running in front of her. This caused her to pick up her pace, because she recognized this figure. It was the one that kept appearing in her dreams. A spurt of energy released and she found herself almost close enough to touch her. Suddenly, she felt warm all over and she reached out in front of her in an attempt to stop the woman. Her arms were too short though.

"Chloe!!" The storm was raging too loudly. She had to shout over the sound of the rain hitting the street in order for the redhead to hear her. Which was not the smartest plan, because Chloe stopped suddenly and whipped around causing Beca to collide with her body.

"Holy shit Beca!" Chloe had grabbed onto Beca's shoulders, surprise written all over her face. She was out of breath and shocked all at once. Her hands clutched at her heart, then reached up to wipe the rain from out of her eyes. She was still pressed against her, and Beca couldn't breathe. Their bodies seemed to be stuck. Because couldn't get over how amazing it felt.

"What are you doing out here? You're completely soaked, you'll catch a cold…" She frowned and began wiping rain from Beca's face instead. She grabbed her chin and looked at her more closely "Have you been crying?"

The wind had picked up and a shiver shook Beca's bones. She shook her head no, never losing eye contact with Chloe. Baby blues that showed concern and love bore deeply into her own.

"No…. it's the rain. I just…went for a walk and got caught in it."

She remembers the way Chloe's eyes held her and coaxed her into telling the truth without words.

"I mean… yes. I was crying. Because I'm a wimp and I don't know how to deal dude."

She remembers the way Chloe wrapped her up in her arms and pressed a wet kiss just behind her ear.

She remembers trying to press closer into Chloe's embrace and whimpering when more kisses were pressed into her neck.

She remembers pulling back to look back into those blue eyes and seeing the answer she needed.

"Chloe…I", her eyes fell on lips that begged her to touch them. The desire had been so intense she never finished whatever confession she felt the urge to tell her. Instead, she let her eyes guide her lips to Chloe's, and with the rain engulfing them in their own little world, they shared their first kiss. Beca's insides felt like electricity on a power line, crackling like static behind her ribs. Thunder crashed around them causing them both to jump. They laughed against each other's lips, both hearts rattling in their cages. The storm grew heavier around them, but nothing compared to the one currently possessing Beca. Nothing would ever compare to the way her entire being felt in that moment.

The first date was exactly a week after their first kiss. The kiss that Beca could not stop thinking about. She could still feel the fire it created deep inside her. They hadn't kissed again that entire week and it was driving Beca insane. Just the thought of Chloe made her feel hot all over. She wasn't sure if this was normal or not. She had never felt this with Jesse, or anyone for that matter, and all they had done was share one kiss. One extremely passionate kiss in the rain, but still. Things weren't exactly awkward between them afterwards, just a little different. Not a bad different, just in an obvious change settled around them. Beca's once confident demeanor fizzled into something more like jello. She was a nervous wreck anytime they were in the same room, dropping anything she had in her hands, spilling drinks down her shirt. Forgetting that words needed pauses in between. Chloe was really sweet about it all though, never taking the opportunity to tease the brunette. She would smile and give her a wink, then she'd carry on with whatever she was doing.

Chloe was patient.

Beca couldn't wait.

It took until the middle of that week for Beca to finally ask. Bella's practice had just finished and Beca was waiting for the girls to all leave so she could approach Chloe. She busied herself on her laptop, pretending to be tweaking a song, glancing up every so often to scan the room. Fat Amy was chatting up Chloe about an idea she had for the choreography, showing her dramatic mermaid dance moves and taking far too long for Beca's liking. She began glaring at the blonde woman from afar, wondering if she did it hard enough if she would burst into flames. Luckily, Chloe laughed politely and said she'd think about it. She excused herself though, and told her how she needed to have a serious captain meeting with Beca. With a quick salute, Fat Amy said her goodbyes, and Beca finally had Chloe all to herself.

"What are you working on?", the redhead asked as she slowly made her way over to where Beca continued to pretend to be working.

She lifted her dark blues up hesitantly, suddenly feeling like she might throw up. She closed her laptop and began putting her stuff in her bag. Clearing her throat, she began to speak, remembering to say exactly what she rehearsed inside her head.

"Um, nothing." Her hands were shaking and fidgeting with the strap on her laptop bag, unnecessarily lengthening and shortening as she tried to say the right words. "Hey, Chloe?" She stopped fidgeting and looked into the redhead's eye.

"Yeah?"

Beca went to answer, but she choked. Why was this so hard? They had already kissed...this should be common sense. She just simply stared at the woman in front of her, lost for words.

"Why are you being weird?"

'Shit, now she thinks I'm weird. Now she'll never want to go out with me.' She remembers desperately wanting an invisibility cloak.

"Is it because of the other day, in the rain?" Chloe was now the nervous looking one, gnawing on her lip and playing with the hem of her tank top. The room was so deadly quiet compared to the noise it held only twenty minutes prior. The quiet made the whole scene seem even more awkward.

"Yes."

And before she could fully explain, Chloe began to ramble.

"I am so sorry, I just… once you kissed me I couldn't stop. It was so beautiful and… I think it was exactly how I had always dreamt it would be." She stared off dreamily obviously thinking of the moment, only to fall right back into the rambling. "That sounds so creepy of me! Shoot! I'm sorry!" She covered her face with her hands and rubbed harshly letting them run up through her red locks.

"What? I don't think that sounds creepy. I think that sounds exactly like me actually." She let out a soft laugh and looked at the all of a sudden shy redhead. Beca couldn't help but think about how adorable this woman was. She couldn't push the thought of how badly she wanted to kiss her again out of her head.

"I was actually trying to ask you on a date…like Saturday night? If you don't want to that's cool too, I guess."

She remembers the way Chloe's facial expression changed in an instant, and how the biggest smile she'd ever seen suddenly lit up the auditorium. Her mind then went blank as Chloe surged forward, connecting their lips for their second kiss. There was so much certainty in the kiss. The way her hand slid behind Beca's head to hold her in place. How her lips pressed and pulled a moan from somewhere deep inside of her. Beca doesn't remember Chloe slightly pulling away to say yes though. She only remembers her own hands pulling Chloe back into the kiss once the answer processed in her head.

She remembers what Chloe wore that Saturday night, and how she could not keep her eyes off of her. She also remembers how Chloe shamelessly checked her out and openly flirted with her the entire night. Beca remembers having a permanent blush on her face that night. She had wanted to be the confident, cool chick she always tried to portray, but Chloe had turned her to mush the moment she came down the stairs. The way her legs looked in dark blue skinny jeans almost made her forget she had seen her naked. Which made no sense at all, right? They had seen each other without clothes, yet Beca's brain was short-circuiting over skinny jeans and a tank top. She remembers how easy it all had felt. How easy the conversation flowed between them, despite Beca's nervousness anytime Chloe would throw out a compliment or flirty jab. She remembers how natural it felt to hold her hand as they walked into the restaurant they had settled on. How weird it felt when they eventually had to let go. This was definitely different from how she felt with Jesse. With Jesse, everything felt average. She hadn't felt nervous. She hadn't checked out his ass as he walked ahead of her. She hadn't stared at his lips the entire night wondering when would be the appropriate time to devour them. She remembers being the one to suggest the drive-in movie, despite hating movies. She knew Chloe would love it. She wanted to see the redhead's eyes when she told her where they were going. She wanted to see that gorgeous smile that she secretly imagined was reserved specially for her. The night had ended with their legs tangled up in the back seat as they tried to pick out the planets amongst the stars through the sunroof. She remembers more kissing in that one night than she had done in her entire history of dating. The drive back to the house was comfortable and quiet. Her hand held onto Chloe's, resting in the redhead's lap stroking her thumb ring with her thumb. It was as if they always drove around like this, like their hands always acted like this. She remembers the song that played softly through the speakers, and how Chloe hummed along. And how it pulled at her chest and the corners of her mouth curled into a smile.

She remembers still feeling nervous as she walked Chloe to her bedroom door.

"I had an amazing time tonight." Chloe began to look bashful as well, but she grabbed Beca's hand and placed a gentle kiss against her knuckles.

Beca's eyes fluttered closed. "Me too," she whispered. "How about a second date?"

They were suddenly pressed together with Chloe's back against her bedroom door.

"I expect more than just two so…"

She remembers their last kiss that night, their tongues slowly stroking and caressing each other. Hands gripping hipbones. Nails lightly scratching down her spine. Their quiet moans testing the acoustics of the hallway, but not quite loud enough to wake their fellow housemates.

She remembers telling each other goodnight and how good the night turned out to be.

The day she decided to forget about her was the day she woke up to her phone letting her know she had a missed call and voicemail. She thought long and hard about whether or not to listen to it. Her finger hovered over the play button. Her mind imagined the sound of Chloe's voice, and she remembered how much she loved it. She thought about how much she missed it waking her up in the morning. Her warm breath tickling Beca's ear as her slightly raspy voice brought her to life. She sighed remembering the way she would sing to her when she was having a bad day. She remembered the way it sounded as she whispered wonderful dirty things while they made love, the sounds of her gasps being her only response.

Then she heard another voice. It was loud and obnoxious, and it might have been Aubrey's, but it was telling her to delete it. The sun was rising as she stared at her phone screen, contemplating whether or not to push play on the message. A good hour flew by with her eyes fixated on the light glow in her hand. A huff of air rushed past her lips, and then, just like that, she deleted the message. The curiosity inside her boiled over at the final decision. She had wanted to hear the redhead's voice. She wanted to hear what had been so important that early in the morning. But now it would remain a mystery. The bed suddenly felt colder, as if the ghost of their love lay next to her. Taunting her. Beca knew she had fucked up and this was all inevitable due to her negligence, but Chloe had cheated and she had left her behind. She felt unwanted and undesirable. The exact opposite of what Chloe used to make her feel. So what if it tore her up inside that she would never know what the message had said? She decided she needed to move on. No matter how much her heart ached for the redhead. That day she did the bare minimum before leaving the house and heading to the studio. Her mouth still tasted like the whiskey shots she had taken with Bree, so of course she brushed the taste away. Her eyes still showed her overwhelming sadness, so she heavily applied some eyeliner. The reflection of herself in the mirror showed her younger, moodier self. Before the Bella's. Before Chloe.

The studio was the therapy she needed. The soundboard needed to be beneath her fingers, listening to their every move. Her ears needed her headphones to block out the nonsense, to distract her from her loud thoughts. To get her mind off the thought of the sweet cadence that was Chloe's voice. She would get through this with music.

Six months. That's how long it had been since she had deleted that mysterious voicemail from Chloe.

She was lucky to have some amazing friends in her life to help keep her on the right path. Otherwise, she would have probably dug a hole and buried herself alive. With alcohol. Or drugs. Or ice-cream. Jesse helped her a lot. Especially at the studio. The songs formed faster than she could record, and she had been scared if she hadn't they would be lost forever. Jesse said it was the best album he had ever heard. When it was released to the public, the numbers claimed it was definitely amazing. They say pain makes for beautiful art. Beca hates to admit it, but it seems to be true.

Bree had also helped her a lot. In a more passive aggressive sort of way. She managed to get Beca to join her at the gym. Which meant getting up before the sun. This didn't matter too much since Beca barely slept. Most of her time was spent at the studio. She rarely even went home. What was the point? It was early on a Friday morning when Bree called her, reminding her of their early gym session.

"Yes, Bree. I remember. Mmhm...putting my shoes on as we speak. Stop nagging me."

"Well, I'm just trying to keep you-"

"Motivated. Yes, I know. I'll see you in ten minutes. Later."

Staying busy was keeping her sane. Recently, Jesse and Bree had tried setting her up on a blind date. She bailed though. She wasn't ready for that part of the process. No matter how lonely she felt. The drive to the gym was nothing special. Most of the time she would zone out as she thought about her plans for the day. When she pulled into the parking lot, she spotted Bree's car and pulled into the spot next to it. Bree appeared to be on the phone and didn't notice Beca pull up. She seemed to be in a slightly heated conversation, her hand hitting the steering wheel every so often. Beca had decided to wait until she finished before approaching her. Finally, Bree hung up and looked over. She smiled when she saw Beca, but it seemed off. She got out, walked over, and climbed into the passenger seat.

"What's going on?" Beca was confused why they weren't going inside. She had never seen Aubrey look so nervous and unsure.

"I was thinking, maybe we could switch it up? Want to go run by the lake? We could watch the sun rise." She looked at Beca with hope in her eyes.

"Um... sure? Why are you being such a weirdo dude?" Beca put the car in reverse and began driving towards the lake they frequented during the summer.

"I just don't think we should go to the gym today. I'm not feeling it."

Beca turned and stared at the blonde in disbelief. "Yeah. I call bullshit. I saw you bitching at someone on the phone. You were in General Posen mode dude."

"Oh, you saw that?" She let out a shaky laugh. "That was nothing. Just a co-worker."

"You are so bad at lying Bree. Seriously, what's happening?"

There was a long pause before Bree turned towards her, placing her hand on Beca's thigh. Grounding her.

"Chloe. I saw her car in the parking lot. So, I called her to see if she really was there." She squeezed Beca's leg before continuing, as if to calm her. She took a deep breath before she continued. "She was. Inside, I mean. We had an agreement she would only go in the afternoons...so you wouldn't have to see her. I can't believe her. To have the nerve." Her voice began to rise and her grip on Beca's leg tightened causing her to let out a yelp of pain.

"Fuck, Bree! Calm down!" She shoved the hand away and rubbed where it had been latched on.

"Sorry. I just..."

"You don't have to protect me, you know. I'm a grown woman. I can handle most things." She hadn't meant to snap as sharply as she did, and she quickly regretted it when sad green eyes looked her way.

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I'm fine." Her hand reached for Bree's and she gave it a small squeeze. Nothing like the death grip it had previously placed upon her. "We're fine." She added a smile to let Bree know exactly how fine they were. "She wouldn't be able to handle seeing our hot bods anyhow." And with an attempt at a wink, Beca had the blonde laughing again.

Beca cleared her throat and looked at her for a moment before speaking again. "What..uh... what was her excuse for being there? If you don't mind me asking..."

"She apparently missed her Thursday night spin class and was trying to make up for it. But...I don't know. I don't believe her. I haven't for a while. Ever since everything that happened, you know?"

And Beca did know. She knew that Bree stopped talking to Chloe for at least a month after discovering her infidelity. Eventually, they rekindled, sort of. In a very Aubrey-esque way, she set out rules and guidelines to their friendship as well as ways to keep her away from Beca. Beca needed to be protected at first, because she was fragile and vulnerable. The last thing she needed was to be reminded of the woman who broke her heart. Aubrey had helped her clean out all of Chloe's things she had left behind, and she even delivered them to Chloe. The redhead was not exactly happy though. She still had these wild hopes of going back home to the brunette, and Bree was absolutely not having that.

Beca had actually started to enjoy having her around. Because Bree was all structure and discipline. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and she proved her loyalty to Beca. Beca trusted her. She didn't trust many people. She never really had, but Chloe had made her more carefree and open minded. Now though, her walls were building back up. She was collecting her bricks.

"So, why would she be lying?" Beca hated how her curiosity kept clawing its way to the surface.

"Probably to see you." Aubrey paused, shocked that the words had left her mouth. "I mean, that's just a crazy assumption. Don't mind me. Hey, look! We're almost there." Her attempt at changing the subject was poor, but Beca wouldn't pry. For now. She knew it was for her own good. Why would Chloe want to see her anyhow? She had someone new. Someone to give her all the attention she needed. To do what Beca failed to do. Wait..

"Wait, why would she want to see me? She has a new girlfriend, right?" Her hands began to sweat. Seriously, why?

"Oh, I don't know Beca. Let's just forget about it and run before the sun comes out. Otherwise, you're going to sweat twice as much and burn like a marshmallow. Come on!"

Before Beca could argue, Bree had already made her way to Beca's door and was pulling her out of the seat. Her head was spinning. She needed this run. This distraction.

The fresh air did wonders to the headache that had developed. It unwound every little tangle of knots. The smell of wildflowers breezed through her. The only sounds were the bullfrogs and their feet hitting the dirt trail. She looked over to Aubrey and thought about how lucky she was to have her. The way she drove her to want to be better. She never wanted to slip back into darkness, and she knew Bree wouldn't let her.

"Come on, we're sprinting the last leg!"

Beca watched Bree speed up before she figured out what was going on. "Wait! I wasn't ready, shit!"

Bree was laughing hard as she took off, too far ahead for Beca's short legs to catch up. "Don't be a slow poke Becs! If you're not first, you're last! Remember that!"

Beca huffed as she tried to catch her breath. "Why are you saying that like it's some Chinese proverb? It's a dumb movie quote, and you're the last person I'd expect to hear it from- Shit!" She tripped on a tree branch and nearly lost her life as Bree continued to cackle ahead of her. "I almost died just then and you're laughing?! I hate you."

They had finally made it back to the car. Just in time to watch the sun peek over the horizon. Bree was leaning up against the hood, watching as Beca jogged the last little bit of the trail.

"Ha! And you're last!" She raised her fists in the air triumphantly. "I win, once again!"

Beca flipped her the bird and grinned as she made her way over. They watched the sunrise in silence. The sounds of their heavy breathing filled the space between them. Shades of pink and orange danced on the water of the lake along with a light blanket of morning fog. Bree lay down beside Beca and sighed contently before pulling Beca down as well.

"Dude!"

"Oh calm your tits, Beca. Isn't this nice?" Her eyes were closed and the sun lit up her face. Beca hummed in agreement as she felt color already forming on her nose. "Coffee?"

Beca turned her head and saw Aubrey gleaming hopefully towards her.

"Nah, I can't. I have to meet up with Jesse for work."

"Ok, what about tonight? Want to come over for dinner? Have some wine?"

"I'm actually meeting up with Jesse to prepare for a small performance he booked for tonight. Sorry Bree...you want to go?"

Bree scrunched her nose and shook her head no. "I'm going to have to pass Becs. You know I hate that sort of crowd, and I bet it's at a bar, knowing Jesse. Am I right?"

"I mean, to give him credit, it's a pretty snazzy bar." She waggled her eyebrows trying to win Bree over.

"Nope." And with that she hopped off the hood and began dusting herself off. She reached out her hand to help Beca up, and continued her way to the passenger door. "Let's get out of here, little marshmallow."

Beca scoffed. "You really are demeaning, you know?" She unlocked the doors and climbed into her seat. "Like in the nicest way, though. It's weird."

When they made it back to the gym parking lot, Beca felt her head begin to spin again. Her eyes shot back and forth, seeking out a familiar vehicle. Seeing if it was still here. If she was still inside. The frown on her face must have given her away, because Bree gave her shoulder a light shake.

"What?", she snapped.

The blonde just shook her head and unbuckled her seatbelt. Once she got out of the car, she paused before shutting the door.

"She got a new car. It's the red jeep back there." She pointed behind her and rolled her eyes. "Go see Jesse though, and enjoy your Friday night. You deserve it... dude."

Beca snorted at the attempt to sound like her. "Yeah...yeah you're right. I will. Maybe I'll get some numbers, and this time I might even call them." Her smile was genuine, but she knew it wasn't true.

They said their goodbyes and Beca set off to leave. Not before driving by a certain red jeep, of course. It was the closest she had been to the redhead in a while, and it felt amazing. Her stomach flipped as she imagined her cruising down back roads, singing some garbage pop song, red hair flying in the wind behind her. She imagined herself in the passenger seat, laughing at the gorgeous woman next to her. Leaning over and stealing a kiss. It all seemed so real until the person in that seat became someone else. Someone she didn't recognize. They were the one getting kissed, and she was stuck on the outside watching the life that was supposed to be hers. A growl formed from somewhere deep inside her chest.

"Get your shit together Mitchell," the growl came out and snapped her back to reality.

She began driving away when a crimson flash appeared in her peripheral, causing her head to follow. The blast of a horn brought her eyes forward, though. Her tires screeched as she slammed on the brakes, just barely dodging a white pickup truck. The guy driving was shaking his fist and screaming something unknown in her direction. Thank god for windows, she thought to herself. She sheepishly gave him the universal hand wave of "My bad, I wasn't paying attention. Please don't kill me", and checked her rear view. There was nothing to see though, as the jeep was already heading in the opposite direction.

It took a lot of willpower, and a text from Jesse, to keep her from following the jeep.

"What took you so long? I've been waiting for ages," Jesse dramatically threw his head back and groaned. His grin told a different story.

Beca entered the studio and placed her stuff next to her desk. She took her usual seat and began setting up her laptop.

"Oh please, like I've never had to wait for you. You're more of a princess than I've ever been. Plus, I'm sure you didn't want to endure my stench from my morning run." She rolled her eyes and watched as Jesse glared her way.

"I," he placed his hand against his heart, "am not a princess."

Beca nodded, not believing any of the words leaving the man's mouth.

"I'm a queen, if anything."

Beca snorted. "You're ridiculous, that's what you are."

"And you love it. Admit it."

This is how it always was. Joking and laughing to the point of tears.

And music of course. Sweet, sweet music.

The day went smoothly. They discussed the set, and played through all the songs they'd be performing. Because, they would be actually performing. Like with a piano and an acoustic guitar. Live.

Sure, Beca has performed live plenty of times with the Bella's. This was different. It was going to be her and Jesse. Unplugged. And it was all her own original material. And it was all straight from her bruised heart.

She was fucking terrified.

It was going to be perfect, according to Jesse. The almighty optimist.

It wasn't until 6:30 that night that she really began to freak out. She stood in front of her mirror, trying to decide if she looked decent enough. Trying to decide if she was to going to throw up or not. Like her mind had been read, her phone chimed that she had a text message.

 _Good luck! Xoxo -Bree_

Luck wasn't what she needed. She needed a stiff drink. It sounded like the perfect plan. She'd get to the bar early, have a couple drinks to loosen up, then she would be all set to sing her heart out.

When she got there, the bar was fairly dead, besides a few people at the bar. The inside was definitely nicer than the outside, she thought. The ceiling had two huge chandeliers, and the stage had a beautiful baby grand piano waiting for her. Her fingers twitched in anticipation. Her mouth went dry.

Time for that drink, she thought.

And that's when she realized that maybe this wasn't a good idea. As she sat down and waited for the bartender to come over, a familiar scent hit her in the face. She turned towards it to see the bartender standing in front of her with wide eyes.

Wide baby blue eyes that seemed to steal all the air from her lungs.

"Beca?"

Maybe throwing up wasn't such a bad idea.


	4. Your Evil Soul

"Beca?"

The word almost felt foreign on her lips. Like she was committing a crime. Uttering a name that no longer belonged to her. Her mouth tingled as it rolled off her tongue.

The brunette in front of her flinched.

Ouch.

Chloe knew she deserved it, but she couldn't help acknowledging her. It was her job after all.

And yeah, maybe she had been anticipating this moment for a while. Daydreaming about their next encounter over and over until she felt dizzy. She hadn't thought it would be this soon though. She never thought Beca would show up at this bar of all places. That Chloe would be serving her drinks dressed in her special Friday night outfit. The one with the extra low-cut top that showed off the freckles lightly splashed across her chest. The one she wore with intentions of receiving her rent money in just tips. Her dream of this moment consisted of a more private setting with better lighting, and more appropriate clothing. She stared wide-eyed as Beca seemed to be in panic mode and at a loss for words.

 _Please don't run..._

As the woman opened her mouth to respond, a phone began to ring. Beca pulled the device from her pocket and sighed in relief as she brought it to her ear. She slid off her stool and walked a few feet away. Chloe only caught the word 'Jesse' before Beca made her way to the stage.

Chloe didn't mean for the frown on her face to be so obvious, but it was and it screamed jealousy. Her hands worked on autopilot as she began pouring whiskey into a glass, dropping in a few ice cubes and setting it down in front of the empty seat. A customer called for her at the end of the bar and she made her way over deciding to stay focused on the task at hand. Trying to push thoughts of the very present brunette out of her mind.

As she began preparing a drink, she heard the seat at the opposite end of the bar scrape along the floor. Her eyes briefly glanced in the direction of the noise. Then blue met blue, only for a second, as Beca quickly averted her gaze and brought the drink to her lips. Chloe smiled softly to herself and busied herself with wiping down the bar top.

 _Maybe she could do this._

"Chloe!"

She snapped out of her daze and turned towards her manager who insisted on tugging on her shirt as he spoke to her in an exasperated tone.

"Do you realize who that is over there?" He didn't wait for her to answer as he pointed in Beca's direction. "That," he then began to prod her shoulder as he spoke, "is Beca Mitchell."

She nodded and waited for him to continue.

"The one and only, **Beca Mitchell."** He seemed to be waiting for a better reaction, but he received nothing more than a blank stare. "She's our special guest tonight, and I want you to give her _anything_ she needs."

He then gripped her by the shoulders and stared hard into her eyes. She couldn't think of anything except how much his breath smelled like hotdogs.

" **Anything,** Chloe. Do you understand?"

Trying to clarify how much she understood the man, and also escape his hold, she nodded vigorously and put her hands over his. Her fingers began to peel his away as she opened her mouth to speak,

"Crystal clear. I'll make sure she's well taken care of." She added a wink for emphasis, just to convince the overzealous man, but not quite convincing herself.

"Great! Keep that glass full. And I want to see a smile on her face when you talk to her from now on." He patted her cheek once and left her standing frozen to the spot.

Chloe stared at the brunette and thought about how she was going to approach her. It was like college all over again, except worst. Now, she knew how harsh Beca's bark and bite were, but back then she was naive. Her bubbly personality had been her shield, allowing her to take every snarky remark from Beca with a grain of salt. She enjoyed any kind of attention she could get from the woman actually. And yet, here she was feeling intimidated and shy. Just the thought of talking to her made her want to hide underneath the bar for the remainder of the night.

But Beca's glass was empty.

Chloe felt like this was some sort of punishment. That god was testing her and seeing how far she could be challenged until she broke down in front of Beca.

She grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a deep breath before making her way to the end of the bar.

The bottle shook in her hands as her nerves rattled through her body. Once she was in front of the woman, she cleared her throat and put on the best smile she could muster.

Beca was too busy reading something on her phone to notice Chloe's presence. She strummed her nails against the counter to the beat of whatever song was filtering through the speakers. Her heels clicked as she restlessly tapped her feet where she stood waiting for Beca to look up. Still, she could not seem to get the woman's attention. It almost felt like it had towards the end of their relationship.

 _Well, this is awkward._

"You need a refill?" Her voice shook slightly. She prayed Beca wouldn't notice that she was scared to death.

Without looking up, Beca mumbled something and slid her glass forward. With a soft sigh, Chloe proceeded to pour the amber liquid and added a couple fresh pieces of ice. She placed the drink back on its coaster and started to move away until a voice stopped her.

"Wait, I have money."

Chloe watched as she began pulling bills out of her pocket. A fifty was thrown her way and Beca finally looked Chloe in the eye.

"It's on the house," Chloe said sweetly and shoved the money back towards her. "Enjoy it, let me know if there's anything else I can get you."

And Chloe didn't mean to look at Beca as if the statement held a deeper meaning. The way those deep blue eyes held her made it hard to control her antics. Chloe reminded herself that she needed to remain calm, because she still had a job to do and other people to take care of.

 _It was going to be a long night._

"Well...thank you," she took a long sip, "you still know my favorite I see." She held the glass up and swirled the drink around, letting the ice clink softly before taking another sip.

It wasn't exactly hard for Chloe to remember, because Beca was a person of routine when it came to certain things. Drinking was one of those things. It probably started when she first turned 21. The Bella's had taken her out to a hot Atlanta club to celebrate. Chloe remembers the brunette asking her what people ordered usually and her suggesting vodka. Needless to say, the night ended with Beca throwing up cranberry and vodka all over herself. She claimed she would never drink the concoction ever again, and decided on whiskey from that point on because it was classy and she could sip on it without getting sick.

Chloe could see a slight rosy tinge already forming on Beca's cheeks. She watched her then completely drain the glass, smacking her lips at the burn it left behind. Again, the glass was slid towards Chloe, and Beca gave her a challenging look.

Normally, Chloe would chastise her and tell her to slow down. Maybe convince her to dance to sweat it off. It used to take very little to convince Beca in the past.

Now was different. Now she was required to please her, as a customer. Tentatively, she twisted the top off the bottle of whiskey and looked into the brunette's eyes before proceeding. What she saw was the same pain she knew were in her own, but she also saw a glint of confidence and mischief. Something that scared her senseless. Something that pulled at Chloe in all the right places. She bit her lip hard to contain whatever it was she was feeling.

Beca nodded for her to continue and gave her a smug smile. Her satisfaction was obvious, as was the buzz that took over her body. Chloe knew why she was doing this. She knew she was coping with being around her and it shattered her heart.

"So, why are you working at a bar?" Beca suddenly became serious, her finger played along the rim of her glass. Her eyes cast down. "What happened to your job?" Those dark eyes then rose up to scan her features slowly. Chloe felt like she was on fire. Beca's eyes could get her to reveal anything at this point as they seemed to transfer the effects of the whiskey through their stare.

"I... uh... I quit."

She was fired.

"Yeah, like five, maybe six months ago."

Six months ago, when she stopped showing up, because she locked herself in her bedroom as she fell apart over the mess she had created. Over the fact that she fucked everything up and it was too late to fix it. She had felt so foolish thinking she could just simply call Beca and ask for forgiveness. It was her weakness that continued to get the best of her. Her need to be loved. Chloe had thought it could be fulfilled by someone else, but in reality, it was a particular love that she needed. This love sat in front of her slowly sipping whiskey and entrancing her with every word that passed her lips.

"I just wasn't happy with it anymore, I guess."

Beca laughed, smacking her hand on the counter for dramatic effect. Like it was the best joke she had heard all week.

"Seems to be a trend for you, I see."

Chloe winced at the sharpness of her words. She knew she deserved them, but it still hurt like hell. She moved to place her hand on Beca's but stopped short, deciding to run it through her hair instead. _Bad idea,_ she thought.

"Beca..." Her voice was shaky and so quiet she almost thought Beca hadn't even heard her.

The brunette shook her head and held up her hand to stop her from speaking.

"Hey, no. You don't have to explain." And the way that she looked at Chloe made her believe she meant it. "I get it, I lost my chance dude. Now you have a better job. A better home. A better girl. Everything is perfect."

The sarcasm hit her hard in the face. Her mouth began to open to say...something. She didn't know what she was going to say honestly, but anything was better than the silence.

"Beca!"

They both broke eye contact to look at the person that interrupted them.

"Aubrey?"

Chloe watched as Beca stood and wrapped her arms around the blonde woman's neck. Her eyebrows drew together in confusion at the interaction.

She had never seen the two women act so...friendly towards each other.

"What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated the bar scene." Beca grabbed Bree's hand and swung it back and forth. Her alcohol was settling heavier and heavier by the minute. Chloe was familiar with all the signs, just not towards Bree. She felt her blood slowly begin to boil.

"I," Bree paused and looked in Chloe's direction, "changed my mind. Come on, let's get you backstage and ready for the show."

Beca looked between the two women and swayed slightly on the spot. Her heavy stare locked onto Chloe as if waiting for her to butt in.

But Chloe wasn't brave enough to say anything, no matter how jealous she was suddenly feeling.

Instead, she watched as they walked away. Beca's hand holding onto her whiskey. Bree's hand on the small of the brunette's back. The very sight clawed at her insides. Chloe huffed and began tending to other customers. Anything to keep her mind off of...whatever _that_ just was.

 _Were they besties all of a sudden? Or, dare she say, something more?_

The lights began to dim as the bar prepared the stage for the show. Chloe hadn't realized how full the room had become and she began to feel overwhelmed by the sudden chaos and recent events. Her anxiety was peaking and her fidgeting fingers began craving a cigarette to hold onto. She looked around for her coworker hoping to get some relief only to have her eyes meet angry green ones instead.

"Hey Bree. What's up?"

 _Right, play it cool. You're totally not freaking out right now. Even if Aubrey looks like she could murder you in one fell swoop._

Aubrey rolled her eyes. She knew Chloe too well and could see through her smile. "I need a water for what you just allowed Beca to do."

"What I _allowed_ her to do?" She began angrily filling a glass of water. "My boss said to give her what she wants, I just wanted Beca to be happy."

"What she is, is being irresponsible. And it's a bit late to be concerned with her happiness Chlo. She's drunk. And now she has to sing in front of all of these people. So... thanks."

The redhead knew this. She wanted to stop, but she also knew Beca would have put up a good fight. And she would have let her win.

"She's a grown woman."

"Barely." Bree looked behind her, then turned her attention back to Chloe. "She has been doing a lot better, you know? I can't stand to see her hurt herself again...I can't stand to see you hurt again either."

Chloe's jaw clenched. "I'm fine."

"Oh really? Tell me how fine you really are Chloe. Tell me the real reason you showed up to the gym this morning."

Chloe knew this conversation was bound to come up, she tried to look anywhere except the blonde's eyes. She could see Jesse on the stage behind her setting up a couple guitars and microphone stands. Then Beca stepped out to help, her sway was less evident from this distance. Chloe watched her pick up one of the guitars and begin tuning the strings. Her confidence outweighing her drunkenness.

"I'm waiting." Bree snapped her fingers in front Chloe's face. When she received sad baby blues, her face softened and she sighed.

"Look, I know you miss her, but she can't have that in her head right now. Her health is better than it was when the two of you were together. I mean, no offence, she's eating better and getting exercise. And her music is just...well you know. I'm sure you've heard it Chlo. Beca's so talented..."

They both watched the dark-haired woman as she strummed, happiness bright on her face.

"Her smile is back Chloe."

And Chloe saw it. She remembers when she used to be the cause of it. Her fingers trembled again for a cigarette.

Bree didn't even wait for Chloe to speak. She grabbed the water and made her way to the backstage area, leaving Chloe feeling lonely. Bree had pushed her aside and it was just as painful as losing Beca. How was she supposed to win both of them back?

Her coworker suddenly appeared to her left.

 _Finally, a break._

She walked out to the smoking area and was happy to find only a couple of people. It was quiet, and that's exactly what she needed to clear her mind.

Her first inhale did nothing to her twitch. It did not subside. It grew into a violent shake.

She needed more.

Something stronger.

With her cigarette perfectly balanced between her lips, she began searching for that something. She stuffed her hands into her coat pockets and fumbled anxiously around the many miscellaneous items she possessed.

It didn't take long for her fingers to find what she was looking for. They wrapped around cool, smooth plastic, causing the corner of her mouth to quirk up. She pulled out her prize and gave it a shake. A wave of relief rushed over her at the rattle that followed.

 _Xanax._

Chloe had never been the type of person to self-medicate. No, she always found a more positive approach when dealing with feelings. Most of the time she would work out or dance to release any kind of negative energy. Before the breakup she had even picked up painting.

And, of course, sex was always a number one pick. Even if it was just with herself.

When she left Beca, it felt like all the color in her world dissipated. Like this was all just some weird, sketchy dream with fuzzy outlines, and she was just...there. Existing.

Barely.

Nothing seemed to boost her mood the way Beca could in one swift glance.

Technically, it's not considered self-medicating, because her doctor prescribed her said medication. Because Chloe had needed professional help.

Chloe didn't decide this on her own though. Otherwise, she'd still be locked away inside her bedroom and slipping into another dimension. Better known as the massive blanket her grandmother knitted her as a gift to take to college her freshman year. It had been with her for many years, and she still found comfort in it whenever her life felt like a spiraling mess.

It currently felt like an F-4 tornado.

Until Stacie.

Stacie was that push Chloe had needed to seeing a therapist.

Somebody who could take a peek inside her head and fix her.

Chloe doesn't quite understand how, but she had this strange trust in Stacie. The younger woman was smart. Doctor smart.

A lot of times in college she would even put on an act. She would pretend to be ditzy and dense in order to get laid. Which made no sense to Chloe, because the woman was gorgeous and could get with anybody she wanted. Stacie went on to explain how it made men uncomfortable to be around a woman who knew more than them. So, she would dumb it down to get in their pants. The guys always assumed they were the players, but Stacie always found a way to play them. And she never did call backs. It was always one and done. Which, essentially, drove the guys insane.

Stacie had admitted this to Chloe one day, shortly after her break up with Beca. Shortly after Aubrey dumped her when she revealed her infidelity. After her drunken mistake of a voicemail.

Stacie had reached out to her randomly that day. She had insisted they go shopping and catch up. Chloe was completely caught off guard. Yes, she considered herself friends with Stacie, but mostly because of Beca. The two brunettes had bonded in college, much to everyone's surprise. They had gotten so close Chloe had even begun to worry they were dating. That she had lost her chance forever.

But it hadn't been true, and when Chloe had told Stacie her fear while still at Barden, the tall brunette laughed in her face. Her and Beca were blood-sisters, according to Stacie. It was a really long story that had something to do with shot gunning beers for the first time and both having to get stiches. She then let Chloe know that Beca was free for the taking, as long as she was invited to the wedding.

After college, Stacie moved to California to continue her education at UCLA, and Beca stayed behind.

She stayed with Chloe.

Their friendship still lingered after she left. Beca kept in touch through social media and text messaging, as far as Chloe knows. At least, until she began neglecting everyone not involved in her music career.

See, Chloe knows she wasn't special. She knows she wasn't the only one not receiving Beca's attention.

She knows.

So, when Stacie had contacted her, it was like a breath of fresh air. And when they met up, she had felt queasy with the thought that Beca probably didn't even know she was in town.

Which was true.

 _"No, she doesn't know. I haven't talked to that little shit in months to be honest..." Her fingers were lazily filing through clothes on a rack. She turned to the redhead and continued._

 _"Aubrey called me. She told me everything."_

 _Chloe dropped the shirt she had been looking at for the past five minutes and stared at Stacie in shock._

 _"Everything?"_

 _"Mmhm...She was worried about you. Which, of course, worried me because you're 'Chloe Fucking Beale' and you can never not be ok. You're like that one really bright rainbow that has all these other little rainbows nearby that are like, barely there. And when people look they're like 'Oh, look! That's got to be like ten rainbows, but look at that one. That one is perfect! Those other ones don't really count anymore.' So, yeah. I had to come check on you."_

 _Chloe just continued gawking at the woman in front of her as she casually picked out new clothes to try on. The thought that Bree was actually worried about how she was, shocked her. She missed her best friend so much, and she knew she had disappointed her but she never expected it to last this long. To hear that she was concerned gave Chloe a glimmer of hope._

 _When Stacie finally had too many to hold, she turned to Chloe with a smile on her face._

 _"Ready for the fun part?" And with a wink she strolled past Chloe to the nearest changing room._

 _As she changed into the shirt she had picked, Chloe finally spoke up, somewhat loudly, in order for Stacie to hear her over the barrier between them._

 _"They don't say that, you know?"_

 _"Who?"_

 _"Um...people. The people you were talking about. Um...rainbows or whatever...I fucked up Stace. I deserve this. I deserve like dark clouds..."_

 _"Which eventually lead to rainbows!"_

 _Chloe laughed._ _Before she could think deeper about how she was feeling and how people felt about her, Stacie was pounding on her door._

 _"Alright, check this one out."_

 _She cracked it open to see the brunette striking a ridiculous pose causing her to chuckle_ _softly._

 _"Very chic, Stace."_ _Chloe gave her a thumb up to show her approval._

 _"Thanks, I'm going for the more 'artsy' look." She flipped her hair dramatically and pouted slightly. "There's this really cute girl at school in the art department, and she's playing really hard to get. I love it."_

 _"Oh? A lady friend?"_

 _Stacie rolled her eyes._

 _"I wish. I can't even get a full sentence out when I'm around her. My brain goes all mushy."_

Chloe _nodded understandingly. She remembered how hard she had tried to approach Beca on many occasions after they had first met._

 _It was like Stacie could read her mind. She placed her hand on Chloe's shoulder bringing her back to the moment._

 _"It's going to be ok you know? People have been through so much worst, trust me." Her smile was one of those that would give models a run for their money, but it was genuine and it soothed Chloe. "My parents went through something like this back when I was in junior high, and then they got back together when I was a freshman at Barden."_

 _The brunette's smile became a frown and her nose crinkled as she thought about it._

 _"They are so in love, it's disgusting."_

 _"So, what did they do?"_

 _"Honestly, I think they just started casually hanging out again until one thing led to another."_

 _The redhead groaned._

 _"I don't think that will be possible. The last time I saw her was at a party, and she ran out of there faster than I could blink."_

 _"Well, duh. It takes time. Mitchell is a wall builder, but she's really bad at it. She thinks she's good at it, but she's terrible. She leaves like little spaces where people can peek through, and then she gets surprised when they do._ "

 _Chloe closed her eyes and placed her hand to her chest. When she opened them, she saw Stacie waiting patiently for her to say something. But she had nothing to say._

 _Stacie grabbed both of her hands suddenly, and pulled her into a tight hug._

 _"You need to take care of yourself sweetie. Trust me."_

 _Stacie pulled back and looked into the redhead's eyes, delving into whatever darkness they held within them._

 _"I know someone. A doctor. More like a therapist. He's cute, you'll like him."_

 _"I don't know Stace..."_

 _"Chloe."_

 _Her face turned serious._

 _"Trust me."_

And she did.

She didn't know if Xanax was the best thing to give her when she was constantly feeling self-destructive, but it did help with the aching in her chest.

Trying to stay steady, she poured two little blue football shaped pills into her hand. She put the bottle back in her pocket and continued to puff on her cigarette almost religiously. Her pills waited in her free hand until she could get a drink to wash them down. The wind picked up suddenly, whipping her hair into her face, causing a shiver to roll through her bones. Her coat wasn't warm enough for the cool autumn breeze, but she wasn't ready to go back inside.

"Hey Chloe! Are you finished? We've got a decent crowd forming."

Her co-worker stood in the doorframe, his hand waving frantically, signaling her over to him. Chloe could hear music pulsating and the loud chatter of a crowd. The warmth hit her in the face, and she knew it was time to go in. Taking one last meaningful drag, she put her cigarette out with her foot and made her way to the door. Her hand still clutched desperately onto the pills.

"Sorry, I really needed that." She smiled her perfect 'Chloe smile' and then followed behind the lanky man.

He looked over his shoulder and smiled back. "It's cool. The show is starting though, and it's turning into a madhouse. I need my sidekick!" He gave her shoulder a light punch.

The redhead looked around. She had never seen the bar so packed before. They had to squeeze their way through a thick wall of people just to get to their work space. There were lines of thirsty patrons already waiting for them up and down the entire length of the bar top.

Her first line of business was to take care of what was in her hand, which still shook with the other out of nervousness. It was a little bit unprofessional, but if she was going to get through the evening with a clear and relaxed mind, then she needed some help from her little blue friends. She grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler and threw them down her throat in hopes that they would kick in quickly. After chugging the entire bottle, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and smoothed out her shirt and jeans. Now she was ready to work. With a deep breath, she began taking orders and busting out drinks left and right. Always with a smile. Sometimes with a flirty wink. Anything for an extra buck.

Everyone seemed to be in really great moods tonight. They all seemed to be really excited about seeing Beca in the flesh and hear her powerful voice take over the room. Many of them gushed about how attractive and talented she was. How her sultry persona did something to their weak little hearts. Chloe tried to pretend it didn't bother her, because it was true. What really got to her were the women talking about her non-existent relationship status, and which one out of their group could possibly get a chance with her.

Was it worth getting fired over? No. Chloe needed this job desperately. So, she decided to play nice and cater to their needs as they continued to swoon over her tiny DJ.

 _Not mine_ , she thought.

Right. Chloe didn't mean to have this all raging inside of her, but it soon smoothed out and trickled away.

The Xanax was beginning to kick in. Her muscles felt relaxed. Her head felt warm and clear. Finally.

The customers all seemed to have their attention locked onto the stage, which allowed Chloe to do the same. She loved the way Beca looked onstage. The way she sauntered from one end to the other, taking in everyone's reactions and feeding off of them. The way the stage lights played with the curves of her body, casting shadows that shouldn't be a thing that's sexy, but Chloe could feel the way heat was forming in her stomach and slowly sinking down just from looking at her. Or maybe the Xanax was making her so relaxed that her lust was taking anxieties place.

Maybe the lust had never left.

Her heartbeat was a slow steady thump that she could hear in her head. She seemed to be in a trance as she watched the brunette finish her song and move to change her guitar. Beca may have switched to water, but there were still sure signs of her intoxication in her movements. In the way she swung her legs as she sat atop a stool, her feet not quite touching the floor. In the way her dark eyes drooped slightly, only adding to her sex appeal.

"This next song," her voice had a thick drawl to it. Her mouth was a little too close to the microphone. Chloe could hear her heavy breaths and the way her lip would drag across the top every so often.

"It's a bit dark, but I was in a dark place. Sorry, if I kill your vibes dudes."

A few people in the crowd cheered and shouted out their excitement.

Chloe watched as Beca looked around the room, and when her eyes found her they looked like they held fear. She watched her place her pick in between her lips so she could run shaky hands through her hair. Brushing out the nerves. Chloe remembers her telling her this when they first started dating.

 _"But you're so calm and collected when I see you on stage...what nerves are you talking about?"_

 _"When I see you out there, smiling at me like I'm the only thing that matters...I start feeling nervous. Like if I don't impress you, if I don't make you feel the way you make me feel, then I don't know._..

 _Her hands grabbed onto Chloe's and held on tightly._

 _"Because_ ** _you're_** _the only thing that matters to me. If I can't show that to you through my music, then I must not be cut out for all of this."_

 _Her eyes glimmered with tears threatening to fall._

 _"I know it sounds dramatic, but I've never been all that great at talking about my feelings. But music has always been that safe outlet for me to communicate what's going on in my head. My heart."_

 _Chloe couldn't help but smile at how sweet and vulnerable Beca was being in this moment._

 _"So, the hair thing is just this silly way of getting it out of my head. The nerves, you know? Just brush them out and move on...What?"_

 _Chloe was giving her a toothy grin and it was making Beca squirm on the inside._

 _"You're so beautiful babe. Inside and out." Beca looked away and scoffed, attempting to seem cool and indifferent._

 _"I love learning new things about you. It's like a little treat." She gave Beca's nose a tiny peck and held her closer._

 _"Just, like, don't tell anyone dude." She rubbed her nose and tried to look angry, but the way Chloe was looking at her made turned her heart into a puddle. "I... I love you Chlo...I just thought you should know."_

That had been the first time the words 'I love you', coming from Beca's mouth, had more meaning to them than just a simple phrase between two friends. It meant something much more than that.

Chloe knew she had been in love with Beca for a long time, so to hear it from the small brunette meant everything to her. And to hear it pronounced the way that she had made Chloe feel electric.

As she watched her onstage, with the lights dim on her face, Chloe wondered if Beca still felt that love for her. If there was still a spark between them, and what would it take for it to ignite?

The beginning chords were powerful and Chloe watched as Beca's full concentration was given to the guitar cradled to her chest. Her eyes were closed as her voice made its way into the mic sending chills through every inch of Chloe's body.

 _"These pills aren't working anymore._

 _My guts are spilling out onto the floor,_

 _Of a nightmare, you wouldn't believe._

 _Of a nightmare, you could not conceive of…"_

Beca's eyes opened and remained glued to Chloe, holding her in place. Begging her to listen. Her chest tightened as she thought about the pain she had placed on the brunette.

Maybe her pills weren't working either.

The redhead looked around, making sure her boss wasn't nearby before pouring herself a shot. The liquor tingled on its way down, easing up the tightness little by little. She quickly took another shot, and exhaled a breath she had been holding since the night began. It felt fiery and tasted like cinnamon on her lips.

 _"You're floating above my head._

 _There are words carved in my chest,_

 _And they said… Could somebody show me the kind of affection_

 _That you only see in the movies, you know what I mean."_

Chloe's head began to fill with memories of a time when all they did was show each other affection. A time when they couldn't go five minutes without a touch or a kiss.

Her head was also filling with a smoky haze, blurring out the memories. Blurring Beca's hawk-like stare. The drug in Chloe's stomach was making its way to her bloodstream causing her body to feel heavy and tired. She held all of her body weight up with her hands pressed into the edge of the bar top.

The pills were working now.

 _"I will suck the elixir from your fingertips_

 _Until I feel my head start caving in_

 _My mouth will overflow with your evil soul"_

She ran her tongue across her bottom lip and indulged in the numbness she felt. Her body felt unfamiliar, like she was a ghost stuck inside a cell. The cloud inside her head felt like it was tripling in size, but Beca's words still hit her with precision and so much force she didn't know how she was standing. Chloe didn't know how much more of this she could take. She didn't want to leave though. Beca's voice was a masterpiece. It was Chloe's favorite. It was raw and sexy. It made her crave her even more.

 _"And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole_

 _Bubbling at the lips that you used to love to kiss._

 _Well, I think I'm trying to wake up, but I can't."_

If only Beca knew.

If only Beca could see inside her head, then she would know how often she thought about kissing those lips again. How badly she'd love to claim them over and over again.

Well, maybe she wouldn't see that now with what was currently taking place inside her mind. The slow chaos taking over her grew stronger with every verse of the song.

Maybe two pills were too many.

 _"I know you never meant to do everything you put me through_

 _It's okay I forgive you._

 _Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes_

 _I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind."_

Was that what she was to her? Was she just some bad memory that Beca wanted to forget about?

It was true though, she had never meant to put the woman she loved through any of the stuff she had done. She doesn't even know who she was during those moments of rash decision making. Growing up she had never been a cheater. Not on tests. Not in sports or games. She always played fair and by the rules. Her infidelity was a moment of weakness on her part and complete selfishness, and she vowed to never let something like that take over her actions ever again. And she vowed to make things right with Beca, no matter what. Even if it meant just as friends. Because if that's what Beca wanted, then that's what she would have to deal with.

The air suddenly felt too thick to breathe in, so Chloe decided to step outside for fresh air.

Her feet luckily knew the way to the smoke pit, because her mind felt like it was on a magic carpet ride. The coolness of the night felt like silk, all smooth and wispy on her hot skin. The stars were so prominent, as all the clouds in the sky seemed to be behind Chloe's eyes. She wore a dopey smile as she felt around for her pack of smokes. The tightness of her chest was long gone, but she still had a sudden craving that needed to be sated.

When her hand finally pulled out the crumpled package, the door to the bar swung open and the woman of the hour stood in front of her. Her stance was intimidating, but Chloe only felt warmer just from her presence.

The ginger placed a fresh cigarette between her lips and gave her own version of a smirk. Now was her turn to give Beca a challenging look as she sparked her lighter once, and inhaled deeply. The cherry on the end burned bright and crackled in the silence.

"Since when do you smoke?" The smaller woman took a step closer to Chloe as she spoke.

Chloe shrugged and exhale upwards into the night sky. When she looked back down, she noticed how close Beca had gotten. It made her stomach flip with excitement.

 _Don't get excited._

"Just a bad habit I picked up..." She felt embarrassed all of a sudden. The actuality behind her habit made her feel dirty. The cigarette itself made her feel dirty. The fear of Beca getting any closer and smelling the stench on her breath swirled around inside her.

And Beca took another step.

"Can I try?"

Her voice was shy and soft. It was a side of Beca she had never seen before.

Without responding, she pulled the cigarette from her mouth and flipped it around for the brunette to take.

Instead of taking it though, Beca stepped even closer and looked into Chloe's eyes as she wrapped her lips around it. Her inhale was slow and steady. The way she brought her hand up to wrap gently around Chloe's wrist caused the hairs on her neck to raise.

When Beca finally pulled back, the tip of her tongue poked out to wet her lips. Her eyes were wide and innocent as she waited for Chloe to say something.

"What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Blue waves crashed around inside of her as the intensity of the drug came closer to its peak.

The cigarette remained long forgotten. It slipped out of Chloe's fingers and crashed on the pavement between them. The cherry survived the fall, and smoke began to fill the little bit of space that separated the two women.

And as her world began fading to black, Chloe grabbed the face of the woman in front of her and kissed her.

Hard.

And then everything went dark.


End file.
